Better As A Memory
by vamplee94
Summary: Jess' thoughts throughout his history with Rory, and how he finally comes to the conclusion that he was so much better as a memory, than as Rory's man. My suckiest summer, I promise, it's better than it sounds. So read please! Part of my song-fic series


**I hope you guys like this, it's part of my song-fic series. It's in Jess' POV, and I hope you enjoy!**

**Simply,**

**Sam.**

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I hate this place. I hate this stupid small hell of a town. I absolutely hate it. Or at least, that's what I was thinking until last night. Last night was the night Luke dragged me to that ladies house, Lorelei. Last night was also the night I met Rory Gilmore. So, I guess it wasn't completely bad. I still hated it though. Don't get me wrong, Rory was a complete angel, it was her mom. Her damn mom. Although, I mean, if she had treated somebody else the way she'd treated me, or if it were somebody else in my position, I'd probably love her. She's great, really, she is. But since she had talked to me that way, since it's me in my position, I'm choosing to be sarcastic towards her, I'm choosing to be rude. I highly doubt it'll help my chances with her daughter, but come on. Rory Gilmore is that typical goody good that everyone completely loves because she's respectful to everyone and does her homework, so all the teachers love her. Or at least, I'm pretty sure that's what she likes, seeing as how she's so damn sweet. I mean, what's wrong with her? Is she that nice all the time? I mean, of course I like her, how can someone not. She's obviously smart, seeing as how she had all those books in her room. Either way, I'm not going to try to get her. She's just one of those girls that would never fall for someone like me. So I'm just going to leave her alone.

Alright, I lied, so sue me. I just couldn't resist her anymore. She's beautiful, like, seriously the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And she doesn't just have the looks, she's also got the brains. She's smart. She goes to Chilton, that's how damn smart she is. She's nice, but she's not the popular girl, she's the gawky one, that has one best friend. And her taste in music! She's actually got a taste in music, it's not all Top 20 Hit List! with her, nope! It's as if she was sent from above, I'm not exaggerating here. She's perfect. I was also wrong about another thing, she would go for someone like me. Her boyfriend, Dean, moved into town, and since he was new, he was considered bad, but she went for him. Which means I've got a chance with her. A small one, that's true, but a chance nonetheless. Life's all about taking chances, right? I mean, where would Darcy be if he never got the guts to ask Elizabeth for her hand in marriage just one more time? And where would Jane Eyre be if she never went back to Rochester? An old spinster, that's where. And, okay, those are all fictional characters, but it's the same basic idea. What I'm trying to get at is that no one would be anywhere if they didn't take chances.

So, even if my chances are miniscule, I'm still going to try. I'm still going to try to get that Harvard-bound, way too good for me, bookworm, girl, Rory Gilmore. I am going to try like I've never tried before.

I crashed her car. And I hurt her. And, okay, so I called the ambulance before I even talked to the cops, but that doesn't matter. That town still hates me completely. What was I thinking? It was going so great, and I had to screw it up by crashing her damn car! The car her boyfriend gave her. Actually, that's okay, I hate Dean, but the point is I hurt her. I hurt her. All I wanted was ice cream in a cone, and I ended up crashing her car and fracturing her wrist. I'm a screw up, that's for sure. I really don't see why Luke even tried to give me a chance. I don't see why Rory even tried to give me a chance. I know why Lorelei hates me and why Dean hates me and why my own mother hates me and why the whole damn town hates me. Because I am. A. Major. Screw. Up. Period. No if's or buts' about it, I'm a screw up, and that's all there is to it. I'll sure miss her, though.

No. Freakin. Way. She's here, she's really here. She came to New York, to see me. Me. Not to see the city, but to see me. And man, she looked just as great as ever. She looked amazing, like the angel she is. I still can't believe she came to see me today. And asked me to come back! I might take her up on that, that's for sure. Although, I think it'd be better for her to just go back to her town and forget about me, that way I can never hurt her again, like with the accident. And seeing her in that cast! It almost killed me, really. Seeing her like that damn near killed me. So I won't be going back to that God forsaken town, never again. Not even to see her.

Okay, so I gave in. I'm back, but don't think it's because of her! Because it's not! Okay, it's because of her, and I'm sure glad I came back. I arrived on the day of Sookie's wedding, I really don't see who would marry that crazy cook, but to each his own, right? She looked great in that dress. Rory, I mean, not Sookie. And she kissed me. On the lips. She really kissed me. I can't believe it. Let me tell you, it was great. Even though she told me not to tell anyone… Besides that, it was amazing. Although, I'd always hoped to be the one to make the first move, but whatever, that's why there's women's rights. I still can't believe she kissed me. That changes everything, right?

All. Damn. Summer. All damn summer, and she hasn't written me a single letter, called me a single time, nada! Nothing. All damn summer. It's okay, I've got a girl. Shane. She's okay. Not Rory. We don't even talk, actually, all we do is make out. So I guess she's not my girlfriend, but more like a girl I make out with. Either way, she' not Rory. Not that it matters, because I'm not even into that girl anymore. Okay, that's a lie. But I'm with Shane now. All damn summer, really? I guess that kiss didn't change anything.

He's a fucking idiot. He just broke up with her, what's wrong with him? He made her cry, he fucking yelled at her in public. Does he have no sense of sensitivity, I mean really? And okay, as much as I hate to admit it, I'd have probably done the same thing if my girlfriend was acting the way Rory was acting towards me. I mean, he was totally right. The parts about me, anyway. He was right, and now I have my opening to swoop in, so I do just that. I swoop in. And I get her. I get her. So I go to dump Shane, and Rory and I are officially together. And I'm happy. I really am. I just can't help but worry about her.

And we're perfect. Life with her is absolutely perfect. She's an angel. She's smart. And those books she recommends are brilliant. She's great. We're great. Until I show up at her grandmother's house with a fucking black eye. Yea, then it goes down hill from there. She's completely rude to her grandmother and ignores me when I tell her to drop it. I'm trying to be civil to her grandmother but her constant questioning is making me sound like a complete jackass. She keeps bugging, and finally we move to another room, and she just doesn't believe me when I tell her I didn't get in a fight with Dean. I mean, fuck. Why does everything always have to go back to him? Can't she just trust that I didn't get in a fight with him, and can't she just drop it? No, she can't. After some arguing, I just leave, because I can't take it anymore. I'm not going to tell her that a swan gave this to me, she'd just laugh at me. And if she doesn't want to believe me when I tell her it wasn't Dean, then fuck her and this relationship.

And she apologized. Why? Because she asked Dean and he told her that we didn't get in a fight. And when she asked me, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth, so I told her it was a football. Why couldn't I tell her? She'd have laughed her ass off, that's why. And I want this relationship, I do. I mean, I think I love her, and I'm not going to even consider leaving this relationship until I'm sure.

I'm not graduating, which means I can't go to the prom, which means I can't take Rory to her prom, because I'm not graduating, because I missed too many classes. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. I can't tell her, I just can't. She'll give me the "I told you so" speech, or the "I asked if you needed help" speech, or she'll be pissed, or she'll give me pity. A whole lot of pity. Fuck. I can't tell her. So what do I do?

I screw it up. I yell at her because she tells me we're not having sex in that room, and then I get in a fight with Dean and we wreck the front yard, and some things through the house. I screw it up. Of course. That's just what I do best, of course. Fuck.

We haven't talked for a long time. She won't even come into the diner. And I won't go to look for her. Then I meet my dad. My dad. So I go to California. She doesn't even know. She just sees me on the bus, but she doesn't know I'm leaving. And I can't tell her. I can't, because she'll hate me, and while there's a big possibility she'll still hate me for not telling her, I don't care. I can't tell her.

I call her all the time, but I don't say anything. I always want to, but once I hear her voice, all my thoughts fly out the window, so I just stand there with the phone to my ear listening to her saying "Hello? Hello? Is anybody there?" then hang up. I can't say anything. Then I call on her graduation day, and what she tells me nearly knocks me off my feet. "I think I might've loved you." That's what she said to me. She might've loved me. If I had stayed any longer, she would've fallen in love with me, so maybe it's a good thing I left when I did. It's a good thing that she still wasn't in love with me, because the more in love you are the harder it is to let go of someone, and since I've been here, I've realized something. She's too good for me, always has been, always will be. I'm a drifter, I can't settle down, and what Rory needs is someone who can settle down for her. As much as I love her, because I do love her, it's still easy for me to let her go, which isn't good, not for someone like her. I'm not in her league, I'm too… tough. I become reckless even when I shouldn't, I've left that damn town to easy, and I can't make up my mind. I'm so, so sure about something, right up until the moment I start to doubt it. One day, she will find someone who completely deserves her, and even if that someone turns out to be Dean, I won't care, because it'll be someone that will make her see that I was just a phase. That I was just one of those relationships that was never meant to work out, no matter how much you want it to. One day, she'll realize I did her a favor by leaving. One day. But I'll always regret it, that's for sure.

I find a song, the perfect song, that describes just what I mean, and I want to send the lyrics to Rory, but I never do. I go as far as walking to the mailbox, but I never send them, because I don't want her to know. I don't want her to realize that I was a mistake until she meets that guy. That guy that will make her happier than I ever could. Because I'm so much better as a memory than as her man.

_I move on like a sinner's prayer_

_And letting go like a levee breaks_

_Walk away as if I don't care_

_Learn to shoulder my mistakes_

_I built to fade like your favorite song_

_Get reckless when there's no need_

_Laugh as your stories ramble on _

_Break my heart but it won't bleed_

_My only friends are pirates_

_That's just who I am_

_I'm better as a memory than as your man_

_Never sure when the truth won't do_

_And pretty good on a lonely night_

_I move on the way a storm blows through_

_I never stay but then again I might_

_I struggle sometimes to find the words _

_Always sure until I doubt_

_Walk a line until it blurs_

_Build walls too high to climb out_

_But I'm honest to a fault_

_That's just who I am_

_I'm better as a memory than as your man_

_I see you leaning you're bound to fall_

_I don't want to be that mistake_

_I'm just a dreamer and nothing more_

_You should know it before it gets too late_

_Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel_

_You never know where they're gonna land_

_First you're spinning then you're standing still_

_Left holding a losing hand_

_But one day you're gonna find someone_

_And right away you'll know it's true_

_That all of your sinking's done_

_It was just a part of the passing through_

_Right there in that moment _

_You'll finally understand_

_That I was better as a memory than as you man_

_Better as a memory than as your man_

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_**So, what'd y'all think? Please review/comment/rate. I'd love to hear your opinion!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Simply,**

**Sam.**


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